My daughter died at age 2 yrs 15 yrs ago in her sleep from allergies. That gives me some peace of mind. You have said perfectly what I have been feeling since my son died. My many thoughts and prayers are with you! If only it was that easy to practice, but we keep trying and trying some more! Anyone can develop a fear of abandonment. I had the perfect life. My daughter wants to drive to Tahoe. I lost him as a child he is different in so many ways but very sweet. Because if it could happen once, it could happen again. It’s … Thank you. I have to pray ALOT and remind myself that God is in control and hope He sees that another loss would probably kill me. in his thirties, he is now 32 at that time I lived in so much fear and yes if fell all over everyone, I finally came to terms and let him and them spread their wings, he now lives on his own and does pretty well but I still hold my breath will I lose him. And, as life sometimes has it, just when we get feeling “okay” again, something happens to knock the wind right out of us. They had such a fear of losing me. Read for one mom's experience with hypochondria and death anxiety. When I arrived home from work on the day of her birthday she met me at the door holding her drivers license. It often begins in childhood when a child experiences a traumatic loss. Unfortunately, this type of loss is not rare and at some point, you are likely to find yourself in a position to offer support to a grieving parent. A mental health professional can also diagnose anxiety in children. For the ones who live out of state, I panic! And only six months later, my brother-in-law died after being hit by a drunk driver on the way home from work. It is now twenty-five years since the death of Samuel and I sincerely wish that I could tell you that all of my fear is gone. I’m so scared it could happen again even thought hey could find no causes. Fear. Losing a child, under any circumstance, must be the greatest hurt that can be inflicted on a parent. It’s so difficult to “let go of some of the fear” — yet for sanity’s sake, we know we must. My love to you! I “get it” when you say you’re not sure you’ll worry less….but as parents we do need to keep some of our fears from our living children. "Harm OCD" sufferers) fear losing their sense of self in exchange for one who commits violence; those with sexually-themed obsessions fears losing their sexual identity; and the religious and morally scrupulous fear losing their identity as pious or righteous. Emotional abandonment, where a parent or caregiver is physically present but emotionally absent, may also give rise to abandonment issues later in life. Okay maybe not wholly. And, once the unthinkable happens, our innocence is stripped away. A fear of abandonment is not a medical condition. What a beautiful thought to know that your Claire and his Ben are now together watching over both of you. I am 22 and have lost 2 daughters in the past 4 years, i have 1 living son hes 2 yrs old, and i worry everyday and night that something will happen and i will lose him too. I … Clara, I enjoy your posts. Melissa, Oh, how my heart breaks when I hear from a newly bereaved parent. I so understand how everyone feels about over protection for the children we have here on earth. As with other forms of anxiety, several additional factors may have an influence, including: Without treatment, abandonment issues in both adults and children can make it more challenging for the person to form healthy and secure relationships with others and to live a fulfilling life. Even when we don’t understand He remains in control. That has greatly helped me! You try to be safe. News. I’m shaking as I write these words — too afraid to even say what I’m thinking for fear it might happen. It can be deeply rooted in a traumatic experience you had as a child … Reply honestly and let them know how their behaviors affect others. Clara, I want to thank you so much for your site and the words you share with us. Please. Betty, I’m so, so sorry. I hope we can both learn to let some of it go. Please talk to your daughter about moving. They had a horrible fear that if I moved away they’d never see me again. 10 Ways To Help Your Child Handle With Losing: Prepare ahead-of time. We want to hope and trust in life again, yet…….that nagging fear seems to always cast its horrible shadow over us. So I pray real hard for his driving skills and safety. Last medically reviewed on February 26, 2020. After I got married and began my own family, there was one constant prayer I said daily. It’s so terribly hard, though! I didn’t know how I was going to keep my new baby alive if I couldn’t keep my other baby alive. Jill, Having delivered a stillborn baby, I can identify with your fears. Keep reading to learn more about abandonment issues in both adults and children, including the signs, causes, and treatment options. Children who go through this experience may then begin to fear losing other important people in their lives. We become empowered wee bits at a time. . Something else changed. He’s a very independent young man and just doesn’t understand how he worries me so! Have you considered joining a SIDS support group? Here are 10 strategies to help your child better navigate winning and losing. Related OCD symptoms include fears about losing control and: Harming a loved one (most often fear of harming a child, spouse, or parent). You may be afraid of the dark, being left alone, being around new people or getting hurt. It is amazing to me how much I worry about him since my oldest son died. Then The Lord blessed us with three beautiful children. Until…… came time to talk about college with my parents. We want to try again, and as much as I want to I just cant get those thoughts out of my head “what if it happens again” I never thought I would be on this journey. I’m still like that. We worry continuously — never do we rest peacefully for fear of getting another phone call hearing the most dreaded of all words, “I’m so sorry.”. I know it can happen again. I always worried about my children but now it is 1000 times worse. She is my whole world. I worry about it all the time. I love my travels but I am scared I will be 2500 miles away and get another phone call like I did that day in 2010. Maybe grief doesn’t just feel like fear, maybe it is fear. We fear losing another child because our thinking process says, “If the unimaginable can happen once, it can happen again.”  And, so we begin to smother those around us. It is so hard to see my boyfriend suffer like this – especially when I know what is ahead for him. That’s why I feel it’s important to have places such as this. I’m so thankful that you are there for your boyfriend to help him through this pain and to help him find his way through the deep fog of grief — certainly not a path any of us would choose. So often they ring true and I could have written them myself. She is so mad that her dad and I are even concerned. It is SO SCARY though. Teresa, This is horrible! I know God and my son were watching over her, knowing I could not take losing another child to murder. What are the causes and triggers? Why do we do this to ourselves? I lost Robbie 2 months ago. I have three older children and while I haven’t specifically feared losing them as well, my fear in general has certainly increased. And things still happen. Not sure I will worry less about her, but it reminded me to keep some of my fears to myself. ... You know the ones — the moms who yank their sons away from any child with a cough, the moms who steer their daughters clear from any kid with a runny nose. During therapy, a person can explore their experiences of abandonment, including the root cause of their fears. When my oldest was 18 months old, I clearly remember breaking down in tears for fear I would lose him. Even after Michael was born, I was so overprotective. She was 18. Thank you for sharing. The death of a child is a unique loss for which no parent can ever adequately prepare. The Recovery Room: News beyond the pandemic — December 11, Managing diabetes after incarceration: A difficult journey, always wanting to please others (being a “people pleaser”), feeling insecure in romantic partnerships and friendships, a need for continual reassurance that others love them and will stay with them, moving quickly from one relationship to another, anxiety or panic when a parent or caregiver drops them at school or day care, fear of being alone, including at bedtime, frequent illness, which often has no apparent physical cause, lashing out at others, either physically or verbally, daydreaming, as they try to make sense of their story and identity. Some individuals continue to fear abandonment as they grow older. In fact, a little fear serves as an insurance policy. You’ve been through trauma, and just knowing it could happen again is enough to send you into a tailspin. Is it possible for your daughter to move? All rights reserved. Sometimes I get so angry that my precious, innocent Anna had to learn something like that at such a young age. She told me that she needs to live her own life. This fear has been studied from a variety of perspectives. I love your post. My dad seldom smiled and he wore his grief on the outside for a very long time. This article sums up pretty much exactly how I feel. A poem by Longfellow comes to mind when a tragedy like this happens: “The heart hath its own memory Like the mind, And in it are enshrined The precious keepsakes.” And another by Flavia: After my sister died at age thirteen, our family changed so much. Things like this just shouldn’t ever happen. I lost my youngest daughter to cancer two years ago on March 1. I look for a good nights sleep every night. I always feared something would happen to one of my children. I wake up all through the night and check him. Stephanie, I’m so sorry for the pain that has come into your life. Sweet, sweet Ashley! We lost our 5th child, Emily , whe I have not slept through the night in years. It typically peaks between 10 and 18 months and ends by the age of 3 years. Abandonment issues arise when an individual has a strong fear of losing loved ones. Mild depression leads to changes in moods and behavior, which might appear normal. It is my prayer that we will use this blog as a place where we’ll constantly be learning and growing together. Know that it’s quite normal. Learn more about its symptoms, causes…. I had my sweet 15 year old daughter at home. For me, it helps for me to envision an angel by each of my children watching over them. I’m sure many of you reading this have shared similar fears as mine. This is so true. Support and treatment can help reduce the anxiety. I give her more freedom than I want to, but she will be 18 in November and it’s not just for her. My loss is so new but this explains so much of what I’m feeling and dealing with. Yes, it does get a bit easier and the pain definitely isn’t always this raw, but it takes time……and more time……and even more time. I’m too young to go through this. I pray very sincerely that there will be a day when life isn’t so full of agony for you. I want to hold on to her and not let her go. We have 3 other kids, and as my grief for the one we lost slowly fades, I find myself thinking and fearing if we were to ever lose another. Driving in the snow is a risk even for experienced drivers. I’m itchy and over weight. Each of those things could claim their lives more easily then the child I lost. And, when I go to that place in my private thoughts, I begin to shake with fear. I am a broken mom, Friday will be 4 months since my son died. I’m trying to not hover so much and hopefully will be better by the time my son is older. All I can do is accept each day for what it gives me or takes away. I did not relax until the surgeon came to the waiting room and told me that he was already awake and fine. This fear of losing another child was so overwhelming to me that I decided not to have another one so I had a tuba ligation. This is our beginning……. And, children still die. For adults, fear of death is universal, but young children are exposed to realities of death only infrequently and are often shielded from it by parents. Lisa, I can hear your pain in the words you’ve written. But, we know we can’t. My son does understand and he is okay with that. Losing a child from SIDS is horribly scary! A fear of abandonment is a form of anxiety. A therapist can help an individual with abandonment issues learn how to establish healthy boundaries in relationships. To deal with the intense fear of being alone, they may whine and cry, never wanting to leave their parents’ side. I introduced him to your site and I hope he draws comfort from your words in the days and months ahead as I have and still do. ” I repeated this prayer morning, noon, night and anytime I had a spare minute in-between! The outlook for people with abandonment issues varies among individuals. She’s right. Is there a link between ocean pollution and damage to human health? I still point out driving errors to my son, but mostly because I drive for a living and with all my experience I don’t want him making mistakes. And, it helps me to never go to bed angry with one of my children. I did tell him (he is an adult as was my oldest son) that this is the new normal and that we will worry about him more than we should. To lose your own child (in waking life) and then in a dream indicates general fear about being a parent. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic of fear of losing another child. However, if left untreated, mild depression can become more severe. If you explain it that way, maybe your daughter will better understand. My older daughter has gone forward inher life. Have you been able to make use of all the experiences that have come your way? Related OCD symptoms include fears about losing control and: Harming a loved one (most often fear of harming a child, spouse, or parent). Please try to take some “mini breaks” from this fear each day — force yourself not to worry or the worry and fear can engulf you! Every day I always pray over this blog and my FB page asking God to help me find the words to help. He told me the other day he thought he maybe had a clue about what I have been going through but now knows he didn’t have a clue. In children, a fear of abandonment may manifest itself in the following ways: In severe cases, such as those in which a child has experienced the loss of a parent or caregiver, they may develop unhealthy ways of coping, such as: In adopted children, research indicates that the child may experience the following due to feeling abandoned: Abandonment issues arise from the loss of a loved one, such as a parent, caregiver, or romantic partner. Door holding her drivers license me about the happiest person alive, night check. Son is now 26 I worry about their own lives a loss, fear … I can’t begin., as well these may be afraid of dying or losing loved ones a history of abandonment is normal! Brief illness that should have been constantly asking her questions, giving her advice on driving in snow. But we keep trying and trying some more until I hear from them her and! Ve said that should have been a couple of things like you, I hear! 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